


Three Conversations

by sneakronicity



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-14 07:39:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1258330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakronicity/pseuds/sneakronicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three conversations, set during Captain America: The Winter Soldier, regarding love, loss, and missed chances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Natasha and Steve

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this fic back in July and then got hit with some major writer's block, so it's probably quite uneven, especially from the first part to the other three. I still wanted to finish it before the movie came out, though, so I hope y'all enjoy. Comments most appreciated considering I changed the whole style from the original concept, and am not sure it was for the better.

The mission was a disaster.They hadn’t been prepared, not only for the level of skill and resources demonstrated, but for the emotional impact the identity of the main culprit would have.They had barely made it away unscathed.

For a few moments, once they were somewhere safe, they sat in contemplative silence, but it wasn’t long before Steve launched into his tale.  He told Natasha about Bucky: how they had grown up together, how the war had separated them, and how Steve had found and rescued him only to lose him all over again, this time seemingly for good.  Through the whole tale Natasha stayed silent, listening closely but making no sound nor move of comfort nor of surprise.  This had all happened over seventy years ago, but to Steve it had only been a few years.  He was still dealing with the loss in many ways, so to discover that Bucky was alive was shocking enough, but to see the man so changed...

Natasha filled in what blanks she could, telling him what she knew of the Winter Soldier.  She had heard many stories of him as a child in the Red Room, this phantom assassin they kept on ice, only bringing him out for the most important of jobs.  He was ruthless, and exactly how they were all told they should strive to be, and for a brief period in the nineties she had trained with him.  She had been barely more than a child then, and he had been intimidating, but there had still been a spark of humanity buried deep within him, she swore it. Even so, it still clearly pained Steve to hear about his former best friend’s life.

“It was my fault he died, and I’ve been living with that guilt, but this…” Steve sighed and lowered his head.  “That’s not Bucky anymore.  The things he’s done… he never would have done any of it if he wasn’t being controlled, and I… I have to help him.  I know he’s still in there somewhere, and I have to get him back.”

To many people the idea might have sounded strange, that a man could have survived such a fall and been brainwashed into a killing machine, but Natasha had seen many things during her time in the Red Room, many strange and horrible things, and if Steve said that the Winter Soldier was James Barnes then she believed him.  She was very lucky to have escaped the Red Room when she had before they had done anything permanent to her.  She wanted to live, but she didn’t want to live forever.

As for the rest of it, how it felt to stand by while someone you cared about destroyed and killed under the control of another… she knew all about that as well, and instinctively her hand moved to the necklace she wore, the delicate silver chain with the tiny arrow shaped pendant.  The move was not lost on Steve, even in his state of guilt and grief.  He watched her absently finger the charm, one he had noticed earlier in the day, and he smiled faintly.

“That’s a nice necklace,” he said quietly.  

Natasha turned a sharp look at him for the sudden change of subject, her hand instinctively covering the necklace in a protective manner, but there was nothing but understanding, support and friendly curiosity in his eyes.  “Thank you,” she replied cautiously, unsure what else to say.  

“I think it’s great, you know.  You and Clint,” Steve continued, noting with amusement how her eyes widened just the slightest bit at having been confronted with 

“It’s not…” Natasha started to protest, but she could tell from his look that he wasn’t going to believe any excuse she had at the ready, so she let the words trail off.   It wasn’t that she and Clint were particularly secretive, but their relationship was something private, something only for them, and they had never talked about going public with it.  Whenever Tony needled them about it they always denied that they were anything more than just friends and partners and it had become a habit, an unspoken understanding.  To admit it would complicate things, but for some reason, in this moment, she didn’t want to deny it, not with Steve looking at her so earnestly.

“Just because I’m out of time doesn’t mean I’m out of touch,” he said, his smile brighter and more genuine a moment before a shadow fell over him again.  “It _is_ great,” he continued, looking away from her, his mind traveling back a long time ago.  “If you find someone, someone you can love with all the war and the hate in this world… if you find someone you hold them tight, and you tell them every day how much they mean to you because if you don’t, if you wait… you might just miss your chance.”

They fell into silence and Natasha wondered if Steve was speaking of Bucky or if there was someone else that he had loved and lost all those years ago.  She didn’t ask, and he didn’t tell, and for a long time they said nothing at all.

It was hard for her to imagine what it must be like for Steve, to wake up in this new world and have to deal with not only the changes around him, but the realisation that he had lost everyone he cared about.  Natasha had been trained not to care, but it wasn’t something that the Red Room could completely take out of her.  They made it _harder_ for her to trust, to love, and it was only in recent years that she had started to let people in again, but they hadn’t made her emotionless.  Still, she never told anyone how she felt about them.  She never told Fury that she respected him, and that she appreciated the trust and pride he had in her; she never told Coulson that she was grateful for his support and how he went above and beyond to help her adjust to life with S.H.I.E.L.D.; most of all she never told Clint that she loved him, that she trusted him, and that when Loki had had him she had faced the prospect of life without him and it was a cold and dreary place.  

“It _is_ great,” she repeated Steve’s words quietly to herself, and when she looked over she found him watching her.  Clearing her throat the moment passed and her ‘all business’ exterior slid back into place.  “It should be clear now.  We should contact Sam Wilson.  He seemed to know more than he was saying when we talked last.”

Nodding at her assessment, Steve let her cautiously lead the way, his own mind reeling over what he had discovered and what was to come.  It would be difficult, and it was going to hurt like hell, but Steve was determined to succeed.  Despite everything he had been through, the one thing Captain America never completely lost was the ability to hope, even in the direst of situations.  He had been the embodiment of hope for so many, and he would not let them down now by losing hope himself.

 

 

 


	2. Steve and Clint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't get this chapter to turn out how I originally envisioned no matter how hard I tried. I hope it's still enjoyable nonetheless. Phone calls are hard.

“Barton,” was all the greeting Steve received when he dialled Clint’s number from his motel room phone.The voice was short, efficient, direct; it wasted no time on pleasantries until he knew who was calling.

“Hi Clint, it’s Steve,” he replied.  “I hope this isn’t a bad time.”

“Nah, gives me a break from this paperwork,” Clint said, the faintest hint of annoyance and possibly bitterness in his tone.  “Last I heard your mission wasn’t going so well.”

Steve pretended not to notice.  He knew Clint hadn’t been happy to be left out of the current mission, and Steve suspected he was more than a little perturbed that Natasha was getting partnered up more with Steve lately than him.  Couldn’t really blame him; after so many successful missions together, this had to feel like a slight, almost like he was being replaced because of something that had been beyond his control and didn’t seem to have left him with any lingering negative effect on his performance.  “It finally turned around today.  We should be able to wrap everything up and be back by the end of the week.”

“And the first person you wanted to tell was me.  I’m touched,” Clint responded with obvious humour, but there was something restrained in his voice, something wary.

Steve chuckled anyhow.  “Something like that,” he said.  Taking a breath, he decided it was best to stop beating around the bush and just say what he had called to say.  “Actually, I have something I need to tell you, and I wanted to do so before you heard it from anyone else.”  

He heard Clint suck in a sharp breath, and when the other man spoke again his voice was heavy with tension.  “Steve…”

One word, just his name, but it carried a lot of weight.  Warning, fear, trepidation… it didn’t take long for Steve to realise what was wrong and how his words must have sounded.  “She’s fine!” he exclaimed quickly.  Why would he be calling Clint instead of Natasha? What else could he have to discuss with him so seriously?  Of course Clint would jump to conclusions and think that Natasha had been hurt, or worse.  

“There’s nothing wrong with her, barely even a scrape. She’s fine, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think the worst,” Steve reassured Clint, his words a bit rushed.  “It’s just that I kissed her and I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else and take it the wrong way.” 

On the other end of the phone he heard a sigh of relief, then a deep breath.  “You kissed her,” Clint repeated, his voice even and betraying nothing.

“Well, she kissed me, but I kissed her back,” Steve clarified before immediately kicking himself for sounding like he was blaming it on Natasha.

“So you kissed each other, then,” Clint said, his tone still strangely neutral.  It was beyond unnerving.  “That’s it?”

That’s it?  Steve’s eyes widened.  “Nothing else happened!” he said quickly, thinking that Clint was insinuating more than a kiss.  “There were people chasing us and…” He trailed off at the reaction that was nothing he had ever expected.  

Clint was laughing.

“I thought you were gonna tell me she was wounded or dead or something!” he said amidst his laughter, sounding equal parts amused and relieved.  The very idea that Steve could make a kiss sound so dire was almost as good as the relief he felt that everything was fine, that Natasha was perfectly safe.

“No!  I’m sorry, it’s nothing bad,” Steve replied, entirely apologetic and a little embarrassed.  Then confusion took over.  “I… you don’t even care that we kissed?”

The laughter died down and when Clint spoke again he sounded guarded.  “Why should I?”

Natasha had almost denied it too, but she had stopped herself.  It was clear these two needed to have a talk about what they wanted the public status of their relationship to be, and maybe Steve should play dumb and brush it off, but he was too tired and emotionally drained to play games.  When faced with a direct question he found that honesty really was the best policy.  “I saw her necklace.  It’s a pretty unique charm.”

“She’s actually wearing it,” Clint said more to himself than to Steve, and the smile he wore was more than obvious in his voice.  “Did she say anything about it?”  His voice was restrained, like he was trying not to sound too hopeful or interested.  Steve couldn’t help but smile himself.

“Not really,” he replied, but before Clint could get too disappointed he elaborated.  “But she didn’t deny anything either when I brought it up.”

They both went quiet again, but Steve still swore he could hear Clint’s smile even in the silence.  The captain knew what it was like to miss opportunities; it had been different for him, being busy with the war, but he should have made time.  Clint and Natasha didn’t have that excuse, they just seemed to need a little push in the right direction. 

“So you called because you thought I’d get mad when I found out you kissed ‘ _my girl_ ’?” Clint finally said, emphasizing the verbal air quotes as he playfully poked fun at Steve’s old fashioned ways.  

“I just didn’t want you to think I had any… intentions toward her,” Steve said, awkwardly.  

“I dunno, Cap.  It’s kinda hard to kiss her and not fall at least a little in love with her…” It was a leading statement, and Steve took the bait.

“It’s not like that,” he said, a tad defensively.  “I respect her, and I care about her, but she’s not…” he tried to explain, but trailed off.  She’s not what?  Not available?  No, it really wasn’t like that.  Not his type?  Natasha was a strong, capable woman, though her secrecy and guardedness was something Steve wasn’t fond of in a romantic partner.  Not… not Peggy, was probably the best explanation.  Peggy had been the perfect woman to Steve, and they’d never really even gotten a chance.  He’d never gotten closure, and moving on from her wasn’t proving very easy.

“Hey, I’m just messing with you,” Clint said apologetically, sensing Steve’s mood change and breaking him out of his reverie.  “It was just the old ‘kiss for cover’ trick. Doesn’t mean anything.   We’ve all used that one before.”  He obviously felt bad for winding Steve up so it was no problem just letting it go.

“She’s an amazing woman, I will say that,” Steve replied, shaking off his melancholy and trying to smile even though Clint couldn’t see him.  He could hear it, though.  “You’re a lucky man.”

“Don’t I know it,” Clint said with another chuckle, and was that a hint of relief in his voice?  There was no point trying to deny it anymore, no point trying to hide the fact that he was completely crazy for Natasha.  They had something special, that was clear to almost anyone, even if exactly what it was remained undefinable.  “So... she’s staying the same place you are tonight, I’m guessing?”

This time Clint wasn’t hinting at anything and Steve didn’t misconstrue the words.  Albeit a bit cagey, it was an honest question.  “Yeah.  She’s in the room next door,” Steve replied, rubbing his eyes as his adrenaline started to fade and fatigue crept in.  

“Don’t suppose you got a room number for me?”

Letting his eyelids droop, Steve smiled again.  “Lucky number thirteen.”

“Somehow I’m not surprised,” Clint laughed.  “You’re sounding pretty beat.  I should probably let you go.”  There was a bit of eagerness in his tone, but Steve took no offense.  He knew it wasn’t about getting him off the phone so much as getting Natasha on it.

“Yeah, it’s been… it’s been a long mission.”  When Steve spoke now it was with such world weariness that he sounded every bit the age he would have been had he not been on ice for seventy years.

“I’d like to hear about it when you get back,” Clint said, but there was more to his words than just the face value.  He didn’t want some tale of bravery and action; he was offering Steve a shoulder to lean on and an ear if he wanted to talk. “And Steve?  Thanks for the call.”

Steve knew there had been some jealousy and resentment there at the beginning, but he was hopeful that they were finally moving past that. Either way, Clint’s offer was appreciated, both as the outlet if he wanted to talk, and also as the olive branch that he perceived it to be. “No problem.  Good night, Clint.”

Hanging up the phone, he turned off the lamp, reclined back on the bed and shut his eyes.  The walls in the motel were thin, but when Natasha’s phone in the room next door rang a minute later he was already fast asleep and didn’t hear a thing.

 


	3. Clint and Natasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the final conversation! I hope y'all enjoy!

This mission had turned out to be a complete disaster and as she collapsed on the hotel room bed Natasha still wasn’t sure how they had managed to pull it off in the end.Well, maybe not the end; they still had an inquest tomorrow and if that went well, and only if, then they had to transport the Winter Soldier back to New York.She was not looking forward to either of these things.The only things she _was_ looking forward to were a long bath and a good night’s sleep.Needless to say she was none too pleased, and more than a little on edge when her bedside phone started to ring.Very few people knew where she was, and any of them calling her right now could only mean bad news.

It was only with the utmost hesitation and trepidation that she answered the phone with a simple “hello?”.

“So I hear you’re teaching the good Captain a thing or two,” a very familiar voice spoke, and she felt all her fear and worry fade away.  It wasn’t just because it was Clint, as him calling her could have meant just as bad news as anyone else, but his easy, teasing tone was enough to make her smile and allow her to relax.  

“Well, secrets and espionage aren’t really his style,” she replied.  Sitting on the edge of the bed, she lay back across the width of it, her feet still on the floor and her hair sprawled around her head in a crimson halo.

“There’s some great perks that go along with it, though,” Clint followed up, and it was so obvious he was leading somewhere that Natasha rolled her eyes.

“You were never good at hinting subtly around a subject, Clint, so why don’t you skip right to it?” she said, not harshly, but in the tone of a woman who had played this game for years and simply wasn’t in the mood for it tonight.  She was tired and sore and it had been a very long mission.

On the other end of the line he gave a brief chuckle before cutting to the chase.  “I know you kissed Steve.”

That was not what Natasha had been expecting.  “And how would you know that?” she asked, suspiciously.  

“I know everything,” he replied in the most ominous tone he could muster. 

This time when Natasha rolled her eyes it was with an accompanying smirk.  Clint was clearly in a playful mood, which boded well considering the subject of conversation.  It also helped more than she could say, just hearing him like this.  “Spying on me, Barton?” she shot back. 

“I see all.”

She scoffed at that.  “Alright, then what am I wearing?” she challenged, and he knew her well enough that he could probably picture her exact expression, with that one eyebrow raised and her lips slightly pursed.

“Well...” Clint began, drawing the word out.  “You happen to be sporting a rather shiny little trinket around your neck.  Silver, on a chain, looks like an arrow…”

There was actually a moment where Natasha was surprised, then she recalled hearing talking a few minutes ago through the thin wall to Steve’s room, and while she hadn’t been able to make out what he had been saying, she had only heard one voice, one side of a conversation, so it had clearly been a phone call.  “You talked to Steve,” she deduced, and a peal of laughter over the phone was her answer.  

“Yeah, he called a few minutes ago,” Clint replied, still chuckling a little.  “He wanted to tell me he kissed you but that it didn’t mean anything.  I guess he thought I’d be jealous.”

Well, that was interesting.  Was this Steve’s attempt at meddling, or was he just really that honest and worried?  Either way, Natasha wasn’t so certain he didn’t deserve a good punch next time she saw him.  “Were you?” she asked, a hint of cautiousness in her voice.  There was a part of her that was unsure if she wanted to know the answer.

“Nah,” Clint replied and her brows furrowed.  How was she supposed to take that?  This was Clint, he knew the routines, so of course he would know _why_ she had kissed Steve, but shouldn’t he be just a _little_ bit jealous anyway?  This whole relationship thing was still fairly new to her so wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Why not?” she settled on asking after a moment, pure curiosity in her voice.

“I trust you.”  He had answered without hesitation, stating the words like the most obvious fact in the world, and she felt her heart clench.  Trust was the most important thing in the world to her, not only that anyone could trust her, but that she could find herself trusting them back.  Clint had earned it over the years, had earned every shred of trust she could possibly give.  He had never deceived her, had been as open and honest with her as possible, even in the very beginning, and had slowly broken down all of her walls until there were no other excuses to hide behind.  She trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone in her life, but how often did she tell him?  

**_“...if you find someone you hold them tight, and you tell them every day how much they mean to you because if you don’t, if you wait… you might just miss your chance.”_ **

Steve’s words echoed in her head, and as she ruminated over them she didn’t realise she had lapsed into silence until Clint’s voice finally broke through her revery.  “Tash?  You still there?” he asked, sounding concerned.  Of course he had every reason to be; he had just told her he wasn’t jealous because he trusted her and she had given him complete silence in return.

“Yes, I’m here,” she responded quickly.  “I was just thinking about something Steve said.”

“Oh yeah?” Clint queried.  That was clearly not the response he had expected, and there was something off in his tone, something guarded.  “What did he say?”

“I love you.”  The words were out before she could even think about them, before she could convince herself of some reason not to say them.  It was true, she had known it for quite some time now, but she had told herself that they didn’t have to say the words, that they understood what they had, that there were no words that could truly describe it.  Maybe ‘love’ wasn’t strong enough, maybe it was more than that, but when it came to trying to express it in words then ‘love’ was a good start.

“What?” Clint sputtered.  “He said he loved you?”

The silence was deafening for a moment while Natasha processed this ridiculous misunderstanding.  Sometimes he really was oblivious.  “Not him, you idiot, me,” she said, a bit exasperated, before taking a deep breath.  Despite him being a dumbass sometimes, she still loved him, and this was the moment of truth; there no backing out now.  “I love you, Clint.”

“Oh.”

That was it, just ‘oh’ and then silence.  He sounded surprised, almost shocked, but his failure to follow up with anything made Natasha’s stomach twist.  This wasn’t something she took lightly, and it had taken a lot for her to say the words aloud, so to receive nothing in return was a harsh blow.  She was so sure he felt the same. She couldn’t be so wrong, could she?

“I know that’s not something we say. I know there’s a lot we don’t say, we just assume the other knows it, and I don’t expect you to say it back,” she started speaking quickly, trying to recover as best she could.  ‘It was just something Steve said about missing chances, and about telling people how you feel before it’s too late, and-”

“I love you too, Tash,” Clint finally cut in, and Natasha felt a wave of relief wash over her.  “I love you so much.” 

She could hear the emotion in his voice, the reiteration rolling out in a rough breath as if he had been holding it in for so long and could no longer contain it.  She knew; in her heart she had known for some time, but she understood what Steve had been talking about.  It didn’t matter how well you knew something, having it confirmed was still a relief, it still meant so much.  Natasha had many regrets in her short life, but if she found herself dying tomorrow, never letting Clint know how she felt, never hearing the words from his lips in return, would not be among them.  Her heart felt full and strong for the first time in months.

“I really wish I could kiss you right now,” Clint’s quiet voice reached her causing her to smile forlornly up at the ceiling.  They had spent a lot of time apart over the years, but never before had the distance felt so far.  

“Me too,” she replied, her voice barely more than a whisper.  She heard him give a heavy sigh, his breath a bit shaky when he inhaled.  She could picture him now, those beautiful, expressive eyes of his shining with emotion, his forehead crinkled, the corners of his lips curved just the slightest bit downward.  She wanted to kiss away those crinkles, to kiss him until he smiled, but for now she could only run her fingers over the necklace he had given her and imagine how it would be when they saw each other again.  Would he act professional until they were alone?  Would he be there to meet her as soon as she got in?  Would he throw all caution to the wind and pull her into one of his full bodied hugs that made her feel like the only person in the world that mattered for those few moments?  “Just a few more days,” she said, just as much to herself as to him.  

Clint chuckled, but it sounded heavy, thick.  “Gonna be a long few days,” he said, sounding utterly miserable.  Taking another deep breath, he let it out in a loud huff.  “You know, I might have to give Steve a big wet one when he gets back too.”

All these years and Clint still managed to surprise her sometimes.  A loud laugh burst from her lips and she had to slap a hand over her mouth for fear of waking Steve up next door.  She could hear Clint chuckling and it took even longer to collect herself when she imagined his smiling face.  “To thank him for his advice?” she finally asked.

“Nah, to even it out,” he replied, his smile shining brightly through his voice.  “If you get to kiss Captain America then I should to, right?”

“I suppose that’s only fair,” Natasha replied, trying to sound contemplative.  “Just as long as you don’t let him steal you away from me.”

“Never.”

Silence reigned again, but it was comfortable, even comforting.  Shifting around on the bed so that her head was on the pillows, she curled up on her side and closed her eyes, just listening to the sound of Clint breathing.  

“This phone call is probably costing a fortune,” he said after a few minutes.  “Think Tony will foot the bill if we tell him he was right all along?”

“Do you really want to give him the satisfaction of telling him he was right?” she laughed.  “We will never hear the end of it.”

“True,” Clint agreed.  “I better let you go, then, before I have to start selling body parts to pay for this.”

“We wouldn’t want that,” Natasha said.  “I like all your body parts right where they are.”  Although the prospect of hanging up wasn’t a particularly welcome one, she really needed some sleep, and the quicker she got through the next few days the sooner she could return home.   

“You don’t like them, you _love_ them,” he teased in a singsong voice, drawing out the word ‘love’.  Now that it was out there it was amazing how comfortable it felt to admit it.  She loved him, and she hoped they had many more years to say it.

“Yes,” she answered simply.

“I love all your bits and pieces too,” he said.

Smiling, she closed her eyes again and shook her head.  “I know that you do.”

“I can’t wait to get my hands all over-”

“Clint,” she cut him off quickly before this conversation could turn into something she simply wasn’t awake enough for tonight, especially if she had to focus on being quiet.  Steve probably wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye the next morning if he heard _that_ kind of conversation through the thin wall.

“Right, right,” he said, heaving a dramatic sigh.  “Just a few more days.  Got it.”  Nobody could make her laugh as much nor as easily as he could, and as much as she missed everything about him, she thought that was definitely one of the things she missed the most.  “Good night, Natasha.”

“Good night.”

Reaching over to hang up the phone, she flipped the switch on the lamp, all thoughts of a bath to unwind completely gone from her mind.  The phone call had done more to relax her and lighten her heart than anything else ever could.  She replayed it over in her mind, focusing on every inflection in Clint’s voice, on how choked up he had sounded to finally admit he loved her.  Sleep didn’t come as quickly to her as it had to Steve, but when she did finally drift off it was with a soft, happy smile on her lips.

Despite everything that was to come, she was actually looking forward to tomorrow as it took her one step closer to home, and never before had she been so anxious to return there.

 


End file.
